In a bid to allow graduated students a way to repay their HECs debt, a new policy passed today in parliament. It calls for students to repay their debt through the sacrifice of their first born child, as proposed by the enigmatic senator Thut I. I. Mose: “These HECs debts might be paid faster if we sacrifice the firstborn of every student. The current statistics suggest that the children of students paying their debt costs too much and their lives may be better used to satisfy Abundantia, goddess of prosperity and luck. Hopefully, with some luck, their sacrifice will bring some money into these new students lives so they can repay their HECs.” This new policy has been only the latest in new age pagan policies calling for drastic measures so as students can repay their debts, many are lauding this a new age of ‘pagan political practices’.
After the new payment of the debt was brought into place there has been a mass exodus of students from all universities. The few students remaining seem to be either willing to sacrifice their first born or are well off enough to have their university payments paid forward by their parents. When asked why our universities don’t move towards a system like the American College system, a senator who does not want to be named said: “Australia’s education will always be available to any who receive the marks and the government will always be willing to support in university fee’s to keep Australia a highly educated country.” It seems, however, parliament’s sentiments to support our students do not reach so far as to empathy for humanity.
Students have also taken to painting goat’s blood over their front door in a bid to keep away the new government group, Administration Of Debt (AOD), or as students have dubbed them: Angel Of Death. These new drastic measures are a welcome one for many within internet forums who have praised the government for cracking down on students with debt, saying it is only right that they make sacrifices if they want to laze around at school for longer than need be.
This journalist must now end this article so I may prepare my son for the sacrifice, thankfully my fellow journalists must also go through this process so I am not alone. I am just thankful at least this sacrifice will clear up half my debt, I am just eagerly waiting for when they allow the sacrifice of the second born too. Kill two birds with one stone that way, no more HECs repayments and I don’t have to pay for school fees. At least there is a bright side to human sacrifice, who knows, maybe the Aztecs had it right?
Writing from the only place I can afford. With a basket of reeds ready.
Amram of Levite